Truth Be Told

I see you guys like reading my personal stories. Now I believe my past prepared me for my purpose. Thank you to those that reached out to me privately. You are blessed. Anyway, I will finally answer the reader's question on how to get over porn addiction. Not just porn but any addiction you might have. Below are the practical guides one needs to take after you've admitted you need to be delivered.

• Ask for forgiveness of sins: Col 2:12-14- God has cancelled your sins even before you ask but you should ask again to show how serious you are about changing a new leaf. Call on His name and confess your sins. 1 John 1:9; Romans 10:9

• Re-dedicate your life to God: 2 Cor 5:17- If any man be in Christ, he is a new creature. Old things are passed away. You cannot overcome an addiction on your own, only God can do it, for the flesh is weak. If you are bothered about what your 'friends' will say, remember you will be judged by God alone. Make a positive change in your life and in fact you will have to let go of the friends that will backbite because you gave your life to God. Supposed friends usually have the most to say because they've seen you at your worst and believe you can't be truthfully better. John 3: 5-7 (You must be born again)

• Renew your mind: Ephesians 4:23 A friend preached sometime ago and he mentioned that the mind is the window to the body and soul. If your mind is broken, you have no access to your body/soul. They will be isolated and not connected. Mend your mind. Let go of worldly ideas and focus on what God has said in His word. Romans 12:2-3; Phil 4:8

• Be accountable to someone that understands your addiction: As much as you might want to confide in someone you think will understand, nobody will understand you better than someone that has gone through the addiction and overcame the devil. Remember you can't keep this addiction a secret because it's an avenue you will forever be lost in. 

• Speak God's word into your life anytime the thoughts want to take over you: Don't let your mind wander to impure thoughts and this is why you have to renew your mind. Fix your thoughts on Jesus. Heb 3:1

• When the temptation comes, be vigilant and pray: James 4:7 Submit yourself to God in prayer when the temptation comes and the devil will flee from you. Psalm 50:15; Matt 26:41

• In spare time, read inspirational books or watch videos: Read people's testimonies. It will ginger you that yours will come through too. 

• Focus on your relationship with God: Don't just focus on overcoming the addiction, dig deeper into God's word and have a better relationship with Him. Submit your spirit by fasting (I recommend at least once a week instead of random times. It shows seriousness). If you only focus on overcoming the addiction and not your relationship with God, your victory will only be temporary and you will find yourself in a vicious cycle. God will perfect everything that concerns you. 

Instructions for the Godly way of living can be found in Ephesians 4:22-32.
Like I always say, I am here for you if you need someone to talk to. Although I'm busy with medical board exam prep, I will find time for you. Don't hesitate to use the Support Page .

Love,
Dedun

Hol'up just before we delve into the topic, I got a message that I'm supposed to answer on "Ask Dedun". I wasn't sure if I should write it on the blog or just reply in private but then I remembered that there are loads of people out there, reading my blog, that need the answer too. So I prayed and asked for direction for this blog post because it's a sensitive topic I know many of you won't talk about publicly. Lo and behold after my prayer, I read my devotional and it was about God's truth and the fact that Satan celebrates ignorance and sight. As you continue to read this post, I urge you to not be a victim of sight because in 2 Corinthians 5:7, it says "For we walk by faith and not by sight". Let your faith align with mine and read the rest of this post with knowledge and understanding and not by sight alone for in sight, judgement abounds. 

I will also like to mention that the primary purpose of my blog is to glorify God through my experiences in my short years here on earth. I do this only for Him and my readers, especially those that have messaged me to tell me the little good I've done for them through my posts, and I also want that reader to be you. I've been saved by the Word and I'm not ashamed to even write publicly the darkest things I've experienced. When you tell your story, it can't be used against you. It might be hard to believe but I've been through hell and back. God saved me from the fire and I'm eternally grateful.

This reader's question was "Dedun, how does one overcome porn addiction?" Woah woah! When did I become a counsellor? I'm not even aware of how to reply some messages, including this one hence why I wasn't sure if I should answer publicly or privately. People think porn watching is only typical to men but some women watch it too. I mentioned in my Secrets post that I do not keep secrets. It's a channel the devil can use to have stronghold on your life. Please read that post to understand my point better. Let me just put it out there, I was addicted to porn. Or perhaps the 'addicted' is quite heavy in my case. It wasn't an everyday thing. In-fact in a year, I probably watched it 3 times. Yeah it was random but I will still use the addict word because of the progression of watching period.

I think one of the reasons I grew up quick was due to my exposure to real life from a very young age. I wasn't spoiled, I was allowed to go out with 6pm curfew, I could have friends over, I never got the rule of not having a boyfriend, I traveled out a lot and got to know a bit about the western world, I experienced both girls only (with it's wahala) and mixed school, I was very free with people, I lived through the days of mum's vigorous job and brother's absence from the country. I had to fend for myself when she was away and I was alone (I love you mum), with no maid. I'm saying all these so you can understand me better. I've been out there!! Yes, out there!! Back then, porn didn't seem like a big deal, well to me that is. I only watched it to laugh I kid you not and it was very very random. Anyway, moving on, I can't remember exactly when but I suddenly realized that this girl would watch porn for four hours straight and won't even blink. It starts from this is the last and before you know it, hours have passed. Now that was why I used the "addict" word. Mind you, it never got me stimulated. I was just amused. This watching was not constant though, I noticed it was usually when I was sad/hurt.

I would write down in my journal why and what happened and so one random day, I picked up my journal and read the old entries. It became glaring to me that I needed help, that was when I confided in a close friend. Obviously he couldn't help me and I even got worse with how much time I spent watching porn. I had like a 2 year break I think until my now famous hurt I've written about so many times here. By this time, it was no longer for fun. It was now for a release. To temporarily ignore the sad feelings I had. As I was trying to overcome this addiction, the devil kept pulling me back. I had no one, absolutely no one, to talk to about this big problem. I would read my bible but no answer. I googled but I could barely read past the first paragraph/page. I tried to implement their advices but nothing helped!!! I was distraught and that was when my Suicide poem happened. Prior to writing the poem, I had suicidal thoughts, I needed an escape because I knew I was doing something God frowns at greatly. I didn't want to continue to offend God and at the same time I didn't know what else to do to curb this devilish act. I was ashamed of myself.
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To be continued tomorrow because I know you guys don't like reading long posts and this is long already. Also, I know today is for recipes and I will post it during the day but keep in mind Ask Dedun can be posted any time. If you have any question/need help, please use the Support Page

 The next morning as we dropped Ade in school, my husband and I decided to visit the principal since we couldn't get through to her via phone.

Principal: Good Morning Mr&Mrs Banwo. My secretary mentioned the meeting was urgent. How may I help you?

Baba Ade: Good morning. We tried calling you yesterday but your numbers didn't go through. It is concerning our daughter, Ade in JS3.

Principal: Yes, I know her. Is she okay?

Baba Ade: She made some allegations against one Tolu in SS3.  Long story short, he almost raped her on Saturday and even bullied her yesterday. What arrant nonsense? 

Principal: What? Which of the Tolus? Let me send for your daughter.  
(To Secretary) Ms Vivian, please call Ade Banwo in JS3B for me immediately. 

Ade: Yes ma, I'm here.

Principal: Your parents just told me a Tolu in SS3 tried to rape you? Is that true?

Mama Ade: What do you mean by is it true? Are we lying?

Baba Ade: Woman, shut up and let's solve this matter. 

Principal: Sorry Mrs Banwo, I didn't mean it like that. So Ade, tell me what happened.

Ade narrated the story for the umpteenth time.

Principal: Wow Tolu Beckley? I can't believe this. His father is a prominent pastor in this town. Ade you should have reported to a teacher first before going to your parents. 
Ms Vivian, Call Tolu Beckley for me from the assembly. He's in SS3. 

Tolu: Good Morning Ma. (Tolu sights Ade and her parents)

(Mrs Banwo shamelessly eyeing Tolu at this point)

Mama Ade: So you are the useless boy that wants to kill my daughter for me?

Principal: Sorry ma let's not attack him before we hear his story.

Mama Ade: His story? Okay now.

Principal: Tolu what did you do to Ade on Saturday on her home from school?

Tolu: Nothing ma

Mama Ade: Nothing ke? Se omo yi gbadun bayi?

Baba Ade: Mama Ade calm down now. Let's hear him talk. 

Principal: So what happened Tolu?

Tolu: Ma, after the classes on Saturday, Ade was the only one left when I was about to leave. So I offered to walk her home. I've never spoken to her before Saturday. On our way, we struck a conversation and she went further to mention she liked me. I just laughed and told her she was still a small girl and when she gets to SS2, she can think of liking a boy. When we got to an area that didn't have much people, Ade said we should sit and gist before she gets home because she doesn't have anybody to talk to at home. So we sat and gisted about movies for almost an hour. When I noticed it was getting late, I urged her to let us continue the walk. It was at this point she told me to kiss her. She said she wanted to know how it felt. Honestly ma, I kissed her and I broke it off when I realized I shouldn't have. She became angry and told me to leave her alone, she'll find her way home herself. I told her she didn't know this route we took that I will still walk her home. She now screamed ma, I was scared of her scream, that was when I left her there. Yesterday was when I saw her again and I told her to kneel down only because she was late to the assembly hall. That was what happened ma. I didn't do anything to her. 

Mama Ade: Ah Tolu, are you telling me my daughter lied? Who's your father? He needs to be here to see the liar of a child you are. You tried to rape my daughter and you are here with a concocted story. Ade, is he not lying?

Ade: Yes mummy, he's lying.

(Prncipal confused at this point)

Principal: Mr and Mrs Banwo, I promise I will get to the bottom of this. I'm sorry for this confusion. The assembly time is almost over now, I need to address the school. Tolu and Ade, come and see me during the long break.

___
To be continued next week :) Do you have any idea who lied? Tolu or Ade? You can find the Part 1 here

Translations
Se omo yi gbadun bayi - Is this child okay?

Today, I'm struggling with what to write for the friendship series. I don't know why but my head space on this topic is upandan. I feel like if I write about How to spot bad friends, my last post already summarized that and if I write how to spot good friends, the last post also mentioned that so please epp me! You probably don't know but 95% of my posts are spontaneous. I start with one word and the rest flows but today just wants to be stubborn. Here's the link to last week's post Are We Friends?

*After waking up*

Ehn ehn so I'm back to this friendship topic and I'm going to tell you how to be a real g! A real one for your friends. I feel if everyone learns how to be a better friend, the friendship world would be a better place. Be aware that I'm not a perfect friend but I'm writing this based on my failures and successes as a friend.

• Pay attention to your friends: See, nobody trusts anyone these days and even people that claim to be friends in public don't trust their friends enough to tell them all they are going through. I know one is busy living life with it's hurdles, but it's necessary to pay attention to your friends. You can tell from their body language, moods and topics they choose to talk about that it's stems from a bigger place (of hurt perhaps). When I was down couple of years ago, I wished my friends had paid attention to me. No I don't blame them for ignoring my hurt especially since I always told them I was fine but if they really focused on why they thought I wouldn't be fine, they could've helped in the long run, as friends should.

• You should always care: This 'care' is quite broad because you can show your care, depending on the individual, in many ways. Caring for your friend means you are there for them when they need you, you correct them from a place of love when they are wrong and you listen when they talk (even if it doesn't make sense).

• You support their goals: And if you feel the plans to achieve that goal is not the right way, let them know instead of keeping it in. It doesn't necessarily mean you are right/wrong about that approach but at least, you mentioned it to them and gave a solution. Don't just mention a problem without solution. You can't tell me I'm doing something wrong without telling me how to do it right. 

• Spend on each other: Friendship is also a relationship but some friends barely spend on their supposed friends. However, they can spend all their money on their partner. When you now break up, is it not your friend you will run back to? mshew Buy gifts, either on birthdays or randomly. Go for quick drinks/lunch. Spice up the friendship. Travel. Don't be a stingy friend.

• Don't be a fake one: If you are only friends with them in their presence but frenemy in their absence, you need to be dumped in a sewage. 

• Grow together: Pull them up if you are ahead and if you are below, aspire to reach their level and ask for help when you need to be pulled up. Best friendship goal is when everyone is winning in life. Growing together can be financially, spiritually, etc

• Pray for and with them: We all need prayers, if you can't pray with and for your friends, y'all just joking. (Who's praying for me btw?)

• Tell them when they've wronged you: This point is one I'm still learning to be honest. I've mentioned before that I'm a keep-quite-when-you've-been-wronged kind of person. I just don't like arguments and when I know telling you about something you did will lead to argument, I take the L even before the argument starts but yeah I'm trying to be more vocal about my feelings now. Keeping it in doesn't help the parties involved. 

• Be a shoulder they can lean and cry on: Some people just want that friend that no matter how much they offend them, they can always go back to them for help, to talk to them etc. 

• Don't give up on your friends: I've been guilty of this a couple of times but moving forward, I  won't give up except when our lives are no longer on similar paths and my reason is because if our lives suddenly become completely different, it's apparent that the friendship won't work. I mentioned this last week. I will still pray for you whether we remain friends or not because that's just who I am. 

I mean, so many times we've come face to face with the truth, it's almost like a staring competition. The first person to blink or look away loses and most times, if not all, the loser is you and not the truth. Personally, I've ignored the truth so many times I can't even start to count but one example that's just in my head now was concerning a relationship I was in. This was like three years ago. I've written previously about how I prayed for that relationship and all that jazz. Because of this whole I prayed for this and that, I turned a blind eye (if not the two) to the glaring wrongs in the relationship and stayed regardless.

Most times it's not like we are foolish, in fact no one was born foolish. God created us in His image after all but our foolishness is acquired. We've adjusted poorly to what the world tells us, how things should be done, how you should think and how you should behave that you really forget whose child you are, whether heavenly or earthly. Have you ever had that moment when you know exactly what is right to do but turn away from it because you don't want the outcome of doing the right thing? People do the right thing when they know the outcome will favor them.

Another example is when people lie. See, I'm sure before someone lies, they already know the truth!!!!!! I mean, it's there in their subconscious but because telling the truth will get them in trouble, they resort to lying and the chain of lies grows. Once a link is secured, there's no turning back. The person just keeps lying until the truth is out of reach. They won't even remember what the truth was again.

If there's any thing that pisses me off so much is when I tell someone the truth but they don't believe me or if it's the truth in the form of an advice, they ignore. For both, it just makes me wonder why I even bothered telling the truth or advising them in the first place. That's another example of people running away from the truth. Never the less though, these have not stopped me from telling the truth. If you like run away from the truth or ignore my advice, I will feel better knowing I told the truth. Right from my younger days, I always feel unrest anytime I told a lie no matter how little because I feel I've deceived someone and to avoid this horrible feeling, I say my piece of truth no matter the consequence. If you like crucify me, I sha didn't lie to you and you should be happy I saved you the headache of a lie.

Anyway before I continue ranting, let me go back to the point of this post. The many times I've deliberately ignored the truth, I've landed in hot pepper soup. If you are in the business of ignoring the truth, it could be a decision (business or otherwise), a situation you are in (toxic relationship) or just other life's truths, I want to you know that no matter how far you run, it will come back to bite you where it will hurt most. 

In regards to the relationship I was in, when that cold truth returned to bite me, it injured me real deep. I never hesperredit, it was like a part of me just left without warning and my people, that was the reason I was hurt and angry at God. That's if you read my Journey Back to God and But I Prayed posts. I prayed so hard before I got into the relationship and when things were going wrong, I stayed believing it was the cross that was attached to the relationship and I had to carry it. Boy was I wrong when this guy decided he would return to the baby boy life (that's if he ever left anyway) and leave me hanging. In-fact when I broke up, I didn't even get a response lol. It was a cold one. It was at that point I wished I had paid attention to the glaring signs and truth that were portrayed throughout the course of the relationship.

So please dear readers, never ignore the truth. When you know clearly that something is draining every part of you, drop that baggage and set yourself free. The truth liberates. If it's a relationship and your partner is proving to be something like a foolish being, disrespecting and disregarding your existence in his/her life, biko leave. If it's a business that is draining your purse more than it's blessing your purse, please invest in a better one. NO NO! Setting yourself free by acknowledging the truth does not mean you gave up on something. It just means you've accepted beyond all reasonable doubts and obvious practical truths that what ever it is you are doing is not going to move forward on a good note. Don't do strong head. Don't feel like a Hulk! There's no point wasting your life cells on something that won't make you grow and that includes lying to others. Stopeeett!! Tell the truth and shame the voice telling you otherwise. Truth Be Told!! (ahahah see what I did there? Okbye)

Love,
Dedun

Slangs
Sha - Though
Hot Pepper Soup - Trouble
Hesperredit - Expected it
Baby Boy Life - Care free life
Lol - Sad laughter
Biko - Please
Don't do strong head. Don't feel like a Hulk! - Don't be stubborn.
Stopeeett - Stop it. (I could've added more e's but didn't want to disturb your eyes)
Ahahah - An attempt to laugh but sounds more like a ghost's voice
Okbye - Just press the space bar and you have it!

This, like every other good piece, is about a girl. I kid.

Over the past year I have been thinking a lot about the future, and what it holds for me, both in and after I am done with this my immediate environment. Initially, I won't lie, it looked scary, and not just for a particular industry: there is intense competition at all levels and in all disciplines, and the quality is insanely high out there. People are not smiling anymore. Being Nigerian painted an even bleaker picture, based on the very uncertain economic climate that the country is temporarily experiencing.

It is not a call to be scared, or be concerned that things will not work out as I envisioned. Instead what it has woken up in me is a spirit to conquer and dominate my world. It has fanned the flame in me to gather more information, monetize more of my skills, and begin to piece together the empire that would have my name on it one day.

It is summer now, and unlike other summers when I start off with a resolution to achieve something and end up not accomplishing so much, I have taken steps to start to ensure I am future proof. I have sourced jobs online, particularly in my favorite field of graphics design, and I am getting better informed and skilled. I have also used this opportunity to increase my knowledge base, and I have picked up some courses online that would help me to be better and well rounded at what I do. I will give an example. I do graphics and logo design using Adobe Photoshop and Corel Draw among other software, so this summer, I am going to also learn Adobe Illustrator to help me in my vector work, and also Adobe After Effects which is going to teach me animation skills. I do realize and respect that more people would be interested in making money now than seeking more education, but with this information, you dig an even deeper foundation on which to build your future.

There are various resources that could be used to gain this information online, some of them free, some premium. Resources like these include Udemy (my favorite), Udacity, Alison, EdX, Coursera, Lynda among many others. Thousands of courses to learn from, and lots of experienced tutors willing to share their knowledge with you.

Two things I must add here. First of all, decide what field exactly you want to learn in. If you try to learn from fields of management, finance, nutrition, management, politics, graphics design all within the same period, specialization could be very challenging, and at the end of it all, you might feel confused as to what you have actually learned because of the diversity of knowledge you now have. Think about it. Pick one area, and make yourself vast in it.

It also does not need to concern what you are currently involved in, whether you are a student or you're working. An engineering student with certification and education in personnel management appears as a more rounded individual, and is more appealing to employers. But whatever you try to get involved in, it is advisable that it has some use to what you're doing currently, making you more indispensable at what you do.

The summer still has a way to go. It's all good that your parents can take care of you for now, as is their responsibility to do, but they should not do it forever. All I'm saying is start from now to make sure that in the next 5 to 10 years, you will be comfortably financially independent, and ready to take on the responsibility of other people.

ONONIWU IKECHUKWU