Watch a Nollywood movie this weekend, and see if any of these is wrong.
Happy Viewing!!
THINGS WE'VE LEARNT FROM NOLLYWOOD!!
1. Every problem is spiritual.
2. In every romance movie, someone must die.
3. It is possible to hit a person without actually touching them!!
4. Anyone who gets hit by a car, most times, dies immediately. *Not after she/he has screamed standing and looking at the car run over her\him*
5. Poisoned food always tastes better.
6. The best way to make money is by visiting a 'babalawo' OR ‘dibia’, better still joining a cult, or sleeping with rich men.
7. One of a pair of twins (identical or not) is born evil!
8. Ten years later; Same clothes, same shoes, same phone, same HAIR?
9. There is most times, never an end to your suffering except death.
10. With a Pastor, all things are possible
11. A movie can be titled just about anything, such as
*The boy is mine (who’s contending anyway? I got mine, lol)
*Face me, I face you
*Area mama
*Shakira
*Beyonce
*Lady Gaga (not yet out. watch out though**)
*Two rats
*Spanner goes to Jail
*Calculator
*Lights out (hmmm. title reminds me of boarding skool n fills me with nostalgia)
*Igala
*Ijele
*Igodo
*Igudu
*Just checked 114 now, I saw Eran & Erak?? (wtf?)
*Beyonce & Rihanna
12. A Naija movie has not been made yet if at least one actor/actress has not-
* 'Shelled' and released large volumes of toxic grammatical waste that makes me want to p-U-k-E
* Twisted his\her lips to speak wrong phonetics.(so irritating! Talk of saying “deddy” instead of “daddy”!! urghhh)
13. You are in love, you want to take your girl out. The best place you take her to is:
* Mr. Biggs, where you'll most probably see your bitter ex-girlfriend while feeding each other ice cream (and that reminds you of what? A low-pro, ugly run-of-the-mill version of Do you think about me? – 50C)
*The beach- where it is absolutely important you ride a donkey, carry her playfully, kiss in the water and lie on the shore while saying sweet things to each other??
*or where else???
14. A perfect Ibo movie has been made if
*You visit a dibia,
*A fleet of cars is shown off at regular intervals for a total of half of the movie time.
*Kanayo 'o' Kanayo is in the movie. Pete Edochie is there too!!
*To get rich, it is mandatory you join a cult and lose all your money later on when the covenant expires!
15. Gun shots and knock-outs sound the same
16. Sometimes the title has absolutely nothing to do with the movie and other times, once you read the title and see the poster, YOU KNOW IT ALL!! ALL!! (Also the soundtrack gives you a headache because it just narrates the whole story repeatedly with a crunk, crude Igbo Accent, urghh- So much for suspense and intrigue!!!!)
17. So the police are extremely EFFICIENT unlike their real life counterparts!!!!
18.An actress can wear the same hairdo and make-up for more than a year and even in FLASHBACKS!!!
19.So when you are shot in the chest, it really doesn’t matter; your head will be bandaged!! same for the legs!!!
20.OK, so when advertising a movie, you really should shout because? people are deaf?? (talk of E LO RA OOOOOOOOOO! GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAB YOUR COPY NOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW)
21.When you are extremely poor, you will still be able to afford a beautiful house, very good furniture, pay cable TV subscriptions, nice clothes and hair, but you wont be able to send your kids to school??
22.The bad guy always dies or gets caught by none than the POLICE-Lol! (Nigerian Police??? They wish!)
23.An actor announces his death as he slowly dies- "You killed me"… "I'm dying"… "I'm dead"… “I’m entering Heaven’s gate”… (wth?)
24.In a case where a person is on his death bed, how come most cough until they die?
25.Every ghost must wear a white cloth and have powder unevenly distributed on their face??
26.A person dies on the floor, some other person carries him from the floor to a car and what? the dead guy holds unto his clothes so tightly? Did he forget he’s dead???
27.A person's heart beats even when the doctor has said "I’m sorry, we lost him"
28.A Naija movie is not yet made if adverts don’t take up at least half of the entire movie time
29.What’s with the blood and love?? Are we vampires? and is everyone so lovelorn? See below:
* Blood Money
*Money Blood
* Brothers and Blood
* Only Blood
* Forever in Blood
* Where is the Blood?
*Blood Sisters
BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD!!!! (Scares me!)
*Where is the Love? (Still in my heart)
*Tashere Love
*Sister Love
* I love you (Really…)
*No you don't love me (Of course I do! That’s the same thing my ex thought! )
*Forever in Love (I wish I could be)
*Lasting Love
*Simple LOVE (I no want that type, abeg!)
*I want back your love (Ok… Have it!)
30.In most Naija flicks, a girl’s female friend is always a back-stabber who steals her guy!
31.In 9ja films, its possible to go into the kitchen with braids, pink top on blue skirt and come out from the same kitchen with weave-on, pink top on yellow shorts!!
32.What’s the trend of Hollywood movies having Nollywood version? Talk of Bourne Supremacy (Matt Damon- 2004), A thin line between love and hate (Martin Lawrence) Romeo must die (Jet Li and Aaliyah), etc. with their 9ja versions
33.In Nollywood movies, actors/actresses “make love” under the sheets and all we’re shown is a heap of clothes on the floor and of course we hear their funny moans (I still think seeing is believing!
34.In 9ja movies, it totally makes perfect sense to spend two or three (few weeks pere o!) in BRITAIN and return with AMERICAN accent laced with deep Ibo or Yoruba, and in rare cases Calabar accents! (Who’s real?? She’s phony, he’s fake… that’s the kinda pple I hate! If u real and u know it clap ur hands!)
35.The ensuing can only happen in a Nollywood home vid
Ramsey Noah:- Honey, I love you so much
Omotola: - I know sweetie
(kissing each other. Jim Iyke bumps in. .opens his big eyes)
Jim:- What the fuck? You “nonentical” idiot?. .what you doing with my wife?
Omotola: Honey its not what you think
Jim:- Is that all you've gat 2 say?
(Ramsey tries to escape… Jim brings out a pistol; shoots Ramsey on the head... he holds his leg) Next scene, Ramsey is shown at the hospital with his chest bandaged!!!!!!!!!!!!!
36.At the end of a 3-hour movie with over half time filled with noisy ads, you'll be reminded that
*THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING, WATCH OUT FOR PART 2*!!
any swear word is in quotes o......as per.....
Happy Viewing!!
THINGS WE'VE LEARNT FROM NOLLYWOOD!!
1. Every problem is spiritual.
2. In every romance movie, someone must die.
3. It is possible to hit a person without actually touching them!!
4. Anyone who gets hit by a car, most times, dies immediately. *Not after she/he has screamed standing and looking at the car run over her\him*
5. Poisoned food always tastes better.
6. The best way to make money is by visiting a 'babalawo' OR ‘dibia’, better still joining a cult, or sleeping with rich men.
7. One of a pair of twins (identical or not) is born evil!
8. Ten years later; Same clothes, same shoes, same phone, same HAIR?
9. There is most times, never an end to your suffering except death.
10. With a Pastor, all things are possible
11. A movie can be titled just about anything, such as
*The boy is mine (who’s contending anyway? I got mine, lol)
*Face me, I face you
*Area mama
*Shakira
*Beyonce
*Lady Gaga (not yet out. watch out though**)
*Two rats
*Spanner goes to Jail
*Calculator
*Lights out (hmmm. title reminds me of boarding skool n fills me with nostalgia)
*Igala
*Ijele
*Igodo
*Igudu
*Just checked 114 now, I saw Eran & Erak?? (wtf?)
*Beyonce & Rihanna
12. A Naija movie has not been made yet if at least one actor/actress has not-
* 'Shelled' and released large volumes of toxic grammatical waste that makes me want to p-U-k-E
* Twisted his\her lips to speak wrong phonetics.(so irritating! Talk of saying “deddy” instead of “daddy”!! urghhh)
13. You are in love, you want to take your girl out. The best place you take her to is:
* Mr. Biggs, where you'll most probably see your bitter ex-girlfriend while feeding each other ice cream (and that reminds you of what? A low-pro, ugly run-of-the-mill version of Do you think about me? – 50C)
*The beach- where it is absolutely important you ride a donkey, carry her playfully, kiss in the water and lie on the shore while saying sweet things to each other??
*or where else???
14. A perfect Ibo movie has been made if
*You visit a dibia,
*A fleet of cars is shown off at regular intervals for a total of half of the movie time.
*Kanayo 'o' Kanayo is in the movie. Pete Edochie is there too!!
*To get rich, it is mandatory you join a cult and lose all your money later on when the covenant expires!
15. Gun shots and knock-outs sound the same
16. Sometimes the title has absolutely nothing to do with the movie and other times, once you read the title and see the poster, YOU KNOW IT ALL!! ALL!! (Also the soundtrack gives you a headache because it just narrates the whole story repeatedly with a crunk, crude Igbo Accent, urghh- So much for suspense and intrigue!!!!)
17. So the police are extremely EFFICIENT unlike their real life counterparts!!!!
18.An actress can wear the same hairdo and make-up for more than a year and even in FLASHBACKS!!!
19.So when you are shot in the chest, it really doesn’t matter; your head will be bandaged!! same for the legs!!!
20.OK, so when advertising a movie, you really should shout because? people are deaf?? (talk of E LO RA OOOOOOOOOO! GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAB YOUR COPY NOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW)
21.When you are extremely poor, you will still be able to afford a beautiful house, very good furniture, pay cable TV subscriptions, nice clothes and hair, but you wont be able to send your kids to school??
22.The bad guy always dies or gets caught by none than the POLICE-Lol! (Nigerian Police??? They wish!)
23.An actor announces his death as he slowly dies- "You killed me"… "I'm dying"… "I'm dead"… “I’m entering Heaven’s gate”… (wth?)
24.In a case where a person is on his death bed, how come most cough until they die?
25.Every ghost must wear a white cloth and have powder unevenly distributed on their face??
26.A person dies on the floor, some other person carries him from the floor to a car and what? the dead guy holds unto his clothes so tightly? Did he forget he’s dead???
27.A person's heart beats even when the doctor has said "I’m sorry, we lost him"
28.A Naija movie is not yet made if adverts don’t take up at least half of the entire movie time
29.What’s with the blood and love?? Are we vampires? and is everyone so lovelorn? See below:
* Blood Money
*Money Blood
* Brothers and Blood
* Only Blood
* Forever in Blood
* Where is the Blood?
*Blood Sisters
BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD!!!! (Scares me!)
*Where is the Love? (Still in my heart)
*Tashere Love
*Sister Love
* I love you (Really…)
*No you don't love me (Of course I do! That’s the same thing my ex thought! )
*Forever in Love (I wish I could be)
*Lasting Love
*Simple LOVE (I no want that type, abeg!)
*I want back your love (Ok… Have it!)
30.In most Naija flicks, a girl’s female friend is always a back-stabber who steals her guy!
31.In 9ja films, its possible to go into the kitchen with braids, pink top on blue skirt and come out from the same kitchen with weave-on, pink top on yellow shorts!!
32.What’s the trend of Hollywood movies having Nollywood version? Talk of Bourne Supremacy (Matt Damon- 2004), A thin line between love and hate (Martin Lawrence) Romeo must die (Jet Li and Aaliyah), etc. with their 9ja versions
33.In Nollywood movies, actors/actresses “make love” under the sheets and all we’re shown is a heap of clothes on the floor and of course we hear their funny moans (I still think seeing is believing!
34.In 9ja movies, it totally makes perfect sense to spend two or three (few weeks pere o!) in BRITAIN and return with AMERICAN accent laced with deep Ibo or Yoruba, and in rare cases Calabar accents! (Who’s real?? She’s phony, he’s fake… that’s the kinda pple I hate! If u real and u know it clap ur hands!)
35.The ensuing can only happen in a Nollywood home vid
Ramsey Noah:- Honey, I love you so much
Omotola: - I know sweetie
(kissing each other. Jim Iyke bumps in. .opens his big eyes)
Jim:- What the fuck? You “nonentical” idiot?. .what you doing with my wife?
Omotola: Honey its not what you think
Jim:- Is that all you've gat 2 say?
(Ramsey tries to escape… Jim brings out a pistol; shoots Ramsey on the head... he holds his leg) Next scene, Ramsey is shown at the hospital with his chest bandaged!!!!!!!!!!!!!
36.At the end of a 3-hour movie with over half time filled with noisy ads, you'll be reminded that
*THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING, WATCH OUT FOR PART 2*!!
any swear word is in quotes o......as per.....
